Russel Thrush Climbs a Tower
by Doses Of Fanfiction
Summary: That's all there is to it. Crackshots. Rated M for horrible grammar and storytelling. (Coverart by dragon-heist, Juane version made by It'z Syndrome)
1. Russel Thrush, man! He's comin' around!

_**Disclaimer: Lol I don't own shit**_

* * *

Jacques Schnee was not having a good day.

First of all, he learned that her youngest daughter had just run away. Now, this wouldn't be a problem for him; she already tried running away to Beacon to become a huntress and look how that turned out for her. He personally had to pick her up from all the commotion down there at Vale in order to make sure she didn't get hurt or worse. But this time, he didn't have the slightest clue where she could be. He didn't know how she got out of the Schnee mansion either, because no-one either knew or would talk to him about it.

Second, his wife just got another keg of Atlesian red wine and was drunk out of her mind. And this was her third keg this week! Jacques was starting to have doubts about letting her have a regular bank account instead of one connected to his own personal bank. Sooner or later, that woman will die of alcohol poisoning.

And third, there's this-

 _ ***CRACK***_

 _ ***SHLINCK***_

...noise that's been terrorizing his ears for the past few minutes now. And he couldn't find the person responsible for such noises, as of right now.

Man, was he not in a happy mood.

"Monty Oum, what is making that-"

 _ ***CRACK***_

 _ ***SHLINCK***_

There it was again! Jacques looked around him and saw an open window. It looked like it hadn't been closed for a while now, for several icicles hung from the window's top frame. Intrigued and a bit annoyed at the fact that the window was still open, he walked over with the intention of closing it in order to prevent cold winds from blowing into the room before hearing yet another-

 _ ***CRACK***_

 _ ***SHLINCK***_

Jacques couldn't believe his eyes.

"Hey!" He yelled outside from the window to a young man who was currently hanging from his office tower from two silver daggers that were stabbed into the tower's marble walls.

The teenager in question, who adorned a simple jacket with a hoodie, a backpack, and two emerald daggers which were embedded into the marble of the tower whipped his green mohawk as his head turned to face him.

"What?" The teen called out from outside.

"What are you doing?!" Jacques screamed at the boy. Jacques started to get irritated with the mysterious tower-climbing teen Mostly due to the fact that he was outside his building and messing up his marble walls. Those walls were expensive to build and right now there was some punk cracking it without a care!

"I'm climbing your tower!" The person said. He went to take out one of his daggers from the tower's wall when Jacques yelled at him once more.

"Stop!"

"Stop what?" The teen was momentarily confused before Jacques corrected himself.

"Stop climbing my tower with your daggers!" He yelled at the green Mohawk-headed climber.

"Fuck you! I'm climbing your tower with my daggers!" He yelled back at the older man.

"Why my tower?" Jacques questioned.

"Why not your tower?" The teen answered back.

"You're cracking my walls, you ruffian!" Jacques was fuming at this point; who wouldn't be considering millions of dollars worth of architecture was being destroyed by someone who didn't care?

"I'll crack your walls all I want!" The green man yelled this as he grabbed the handle of one of his daggers and pulled it out of the cracked marble that had cracks around where the dagger cut into the wall. As if to prove a point, the teen hefted the dagger and stabbed it into the wall a bit higher than the last hole he made. "Look at me go!"

"Go stab someone else's tower!" Jacques yelled in frustration as his eyes trailed down the multiple cracks in his tower's marble walls from where the teen was right now all the way to the first floor. Doing a little mental math, Jacques totaled the property damaged caused by this vandalizing teen to be very, very expensive. And looking at the man in question, Jacques could tell that he didn't have that much money.

That and the general attitude of the teen wasn't very respectful nor appropriate for the atmosphere.

Jacques Schnee was in a bad mood. He was in such a bad mood, that it would take only a single thing to piss him-

"That sounds really stupid when you say it out loud!"

"SUCK MY DICK! GET OFF MY TOWER!" Jacques Schnee screamed at the teen who was the first one to push him over the edge. Realizing what he just said, his pupils shrank in horror as the older man worried about what his business partners would think of him if they were to see him in his current state. Or worse...

The media!

Jacques made to open his mouth to regain his composure and hopefully convince this madman to get off his tower when suddenly the teen shouted to him.

"What are you, gay?"

That's it.

"I-it's an expression! Get the fuck off my tower!" Jacques shouted back.

"No! Fuck you!" The teen answered him.

"Fuck you! What's your name?" Jacques finally asked, fed up with the rudeness coming from this single teenager. Were all teens these days this disrespectful?

God, he hoped Weiss didn't turn out like this young man.

"Russel Thrush, man!" Of course, with the way Russel addressed it, Jacques didn't believe him.

"MY ASS! What's your name?!" He asked once more.

"DA DA DA DA DA RUSSEL THRUSH, MAN! LOOK AT ME GO!" Russel yelled at him.

"Get off my god-damn tower this instant!" He demanded 'Russel'.

"I can't!" Russel said.

"Why the hell not?!" Jacques, dumbfounded. At this point, he would have loved if Russel just took out his daggers from his tower and plummeted down multiple stories back towards the street. He'd have some way to cover the accident up, so there was no need to get worried about someone dying in front of his office tower.

But just to be safe...

"Can't go down, dumbass! I can only go up!" Russel told Jacques while he was busy contacting the Atlesian military.

"What?" Jacques asked as he looked up from his scroll, halfway done with dialing the Military's hotline number.

"I gotta reach the top and rappel back down!" Russel said ash he pointed towards the top of Jacques' office tower. Clearly, Russel knew what he was doing.

"You can't just turn around?" Jacques didn't know shit about climbing very tall things, so naturally, an uneducated swine like him would say things like that.

That pissed Russel off.

"Of course I fucking can't! What are you, stupid?" Russel yelled at Jacques; almost dumbfounded that the older man didn't know anything about the rules of climbing very tall things. I mean, who the fuck turns around mid-climb on very tall things and just goes back down to the ground? It's shameful for anyone to climb things like that, not to mention completely wrong.

"It can't be that hard!" Jacques said.

"I don't see you climbing a fucking tower with daggers!" Russel yelled back.

"Give me a minute." Done with contacting the Atlesian military (with a professional huntsman on the way too, just to be safe), Jacques decided to take matters into his own two hands. He went away from the window and out of the room to walk towards a door located at the end of the hallway he stepped out into. The door was locked away from prying eyes in fear of anyone seeing the old relic that he gained through his inheritance of the company.

Nicholas' gloves...

"What are you doing?" Russel, now intrigued at the older man's newest attire. Two, pristine white gloves were now in Jacques' possession, and with surprising strength, grabbed two of the biggest icicles that were formed on the top of the window frame.

The icicles almost seemed to solidify even more through Jacques' new gloves, and he softly smiled at his newest climbing instruments.

"I have icicles!" He yelled to Russel, who stared at the two, sharp icicles in each of Jacques' hands.

Russel realized what the old man was about to do.

"Oh, this is gettin' real!" Russel yelled at Jacques, who had a crazed look in his face. The old man was actually going to do it!

"I'm coming for you, BITCH!" Said Jacques. Pouring all his aura into his gloves, he somehow made the icicles in his hands colder than what was realistically possible. With a satisfied smile, he went to the wall opposite the window and got down on his left knee.

"You are going to kill yourself!" Russel warned. Though not caring that much about the CEO of the Schnee Dust Company nor his status in any of the four kingdoms...

The old man _still_ was going to kill himself. And that's not really a fact that you can ignore without feeling a bit concerned.

"Fuck you, watch me!"

'Uh oh.' Russel thought as the old man broke into a sprint towards the open window. With all the intent to get him off his tower, Jacques practically flew at Russel in neck-breaking speeds that somewhere had Ruby clutching for air as her own semblance was put to shame. Russel cringed, yet his eyes never closed at the fact that either one of them would die...

Or there would be two bodies to be buried in the snow today.

The next few seconds flew by in a flash for both Russel and Jacques.

Both men saw Jacques jump through the icicle-covered window relatively unharmed.

Both men realized what the other just did.

Both men experienced physics work.

But only one of them fell.

Everything was deathly silent as Jacques, icicles now lost from his hands and twirling around next to his sides, looked on to the very-quickly disappearing form of Russel Thrush as the air around him gave way to his body and gravity's deathly grip on it. Visions flashed through Jacques' minds as he neared his death. His suit flapping in the wind, his hair becoming undone, his gloves slipping from his hands as he plummeted towards his death.

Jacques, realizing he couldn't buy his way out of this situation with any lien or his own daughters, opened his mouth to scream bloody murder before being rudely interrupted by yours truly.

"For a guy in a suit, you're pretty fucking stupid!" Russel yelled at the falling man with no care whatsoever. He didn't even try to help him.

Old hag deserved it anyways.

Yet the 'old hag' had some bark left in him as he yelled out to Russel while simultaneously falling.

"FUCK YOU! I DIDN'T BECOME A BILLIONAIRE BY BEING AN IDIOT! I have four degrees in..." Was Jacques Schnee's last words before he hit the ground in a matter of seconds and went-

 _ ***SPLAT***_

At that same moment, a burden to the Schnee family name was lost.

Out of everyone that knew the Schnee family personally, 1% mourned for Jacques Schnee's death.

The other 99% celebrated into the night. That is until they realized they were all out of a job.

A job that absolutely sucked.

Then they celebrated again.

 _Somewhere in the sea..._

Blake came.

She didn't know where this spike of pure, unadulterated pleasure that spiked up her undergarments and into the deepest parts of her *insert cat joke here* came from.

Nor did she know that she wasn't the only one to experience the sudden sensation.

All she knew was that...

...She wanted it again.

 _Back at the SDC Office Tower, a few hours later..._

"Huntsman on the tower! By order of the Atlesian military, you must come down from there at once!" General James Ironwood spoke through his megaphone. It had been only minutes after Jacques' body hit the floor. They already transferred the body to the closest hospital in hopes to prevent the death of a high-class individual.

Even if said individual was a total prick to everyone.

"No! I'm free of any crime, so you can't pull shit, military man!" The hunter that was now identified as Russel Thrush faintly yelled back down to James.

James sighed as he felt his robotic parts start to act up. He never thought he would have to deal with two pricks in the same day.

Suddenly he was regretting his decision of replacing his stomach with a mechanical one. Oh, how badly he needed to have a drink right now.

Speaking of drinking...

"I'll handle this, James. Go stand at attention or somethin'." Qrow told James as he grabbed the megaphone out of his prosthetic arm. James, tired and relatively relieved that he could look into other pressing manners, gladly walked away in order to check up on the state of the SDC company.

Mainly, Specialist Winter Schnee and her younger sister, Weiss, who had returned at the news of her father's death.

Both had gotten drunk in one of the multiple parties celebrating the death of said father.

What surprised James was that they left him to do all the work of taking care of their now-deceased father instead of taking him with them! Now he was late for the cake!

After James ran off to whatever his duty called him, Qrow looked up at the now-empty tower. It was evacuated a few seconds after Jacques' death, though the employes looked excited instead of panicked for whatever reason. Something about a huge party or whatever. The currently-sober huntsman then spotted the tiny figure of green that was Russel Thrush, who was trying to pry his dagger from the totally-ruined wall of the office tower. Succeeding in his little task, he stabbed the dagger once again into the wall; his feet dangling a bit from the action.

How Russel hadn't fallen yet was a question that was duly noted by basically everyone. It was probably his semblance or something.

Not wanting to let this problem delay any further, Qrow spoke into the megaphone.

 _ ***ahem***_

"Hey! Get the fuck down!" Qrow yelled into the thing, which screeched a bit due to the action.

"Suck my dick!" Russel, having heard the message, promptly replied.

"This is illegal!" Qrow stated.

If anyone listened carefully, they could have heard Russel scoffed rather loudly.

"I know that! But..." Russel thought carefully about his next choice of words. "Fuck you anyways!" He answered to Qrow.

Qrow wasn't expecting that level of rudeness to be directed towards him.

His ego didn't, either, and took a rather big hit from it.

"F-fuck you!" Qrow shouted into the megaphone.

"Fuck you!" Russel shouted back.

"FUCK YOU!" Enraged, Qrow screamed one more time into the poor mic, and as he tried to think up anything else to hurl at the green-haired menace, Russel spoke up.

"Hey, I wrote you a song!" He said.

...

"What?" Qrow questioned.

What the hell is this teen getting onto?

"It goes a little somethin' like this!"

Russel, somehow releasing his grip on his left dagger and reaching behind his back, pulled out a small brown guitar from the pack on his back.

Three quick strums of the same chord could be heard from where Russel was on top of the SDC tower.

"Fuck you!"

Needless to say, Qrow's ego had just died. Cause of death? Too many blows to the body by some random-ass teen atop an office tower.

Quickly giving up on the task-at-hand, he called James on his scroll. The General took some time in picking up, and when he finally did, Qrow could see him serenading a female tiger faunaus while currently shitfaced. And from the looks of it, he was succeeding too. After realizing that Qrow was calling him, James looked to the camera and asked him, "What's going on, Qrow? Done yet with the little shit?"

"Take him down." Was the only thing Qrow said as he turned around and held the call for Ironwood to face a random Atlesian soldier on standby, who was wielding a high-power dust sniper rifle.

"You may open fire." James didn't skip a beat, wanting Russel down from the tower one way or another. The Atlesian soldier acknowledged the command from the General and proceeded to aim and pull the trigger of the rifle on Russel.

 _ ***BAM***_

The shot connected.

Realizing what he'd just done, Qrow shrugged and took a drink of his flask.

A long drink.

He was going to go to the party James was at and pull him out before the media got ahold of all of the things that happened today. Hopefully, they could also get Winter and Weiss out before something happened to the two. After all, their father did just die.

After fixing the Schnee's current family affairs, he and James could both explain to Ozpin why Team CRDL was one member short later.

Speaking of which...

 _ ***SMACK***_

Russel landed on the left side of his body, his aura shattering on the spot just as he reached the cold, hard concrete sidewalk. His eyes were closed, and there wasn't any movement coming from him. Surprisingly, the body didn't have a pool of blood around it as Jacques' body did. In fact, Qrow could see that Russel's body didn't even have a scratch on it.

But his aura was shattered! He couldn't have survived that fall!

'Is he dead?' Qrow thought.

...

...

...

"FUCK YOU! You can't kill Russel Thrush, man! Look at me go!" Russel yelled at Qrow for the last time as he sprinted off away from Qrow.

Qrow, drunk and too tired for this shit, could only say a few words.

"Well... son of a bitch."

* * *

 _ **A.N. - Forgive me of my (writing) sins.**_

 _ **I have just begun**_ _ **.**_

 _ **Leave a review pointing out all the grammar errors, inconsistencies, and horrible character portrayals. Also, search up Piemations if you're wondering where this is all from. Seriously. He's a good animator.**_


	2. His stabbing powers have no bounds!

_**Disclaimer: haha you thought this was a one-shot**_

 _ **Also I need to write more because apparently people like t** **his (*cough* *cough***_ _ **Too bad I have Steam**_ _ ***cough*)**_

 _ **If you think I'm being too self-deprecating please remind me by leaving a review telling me about how bad this story is. You don't have to put anything supportive or uplifting, just talk about how this chapter is plagiarized and unoriginal because it's LITERALLY ripped off of the original text**_

 _ **Said original text belongs to a guy in youtube called Piemations because I can't animate so I write instead**_

 _ **Oh and look forward to another chapter sometime after I start to care again**_ _ **(If the story with Jaune doesn't beat me to it first)**_

* * *

 _Somewhere inside a secret base in Vale_...

... _So shush_...

Russel Thrush was not having a good day.

"So do either of you wanna tell me why you kidnapped me?" Russel said as he crossed his arms at Professor Goodwitch and Dr. Oobleck.

"Please remain calm, Russel," Glynda told him.

Russel Thrush banged his fists on the table that was in the middle of the room and stood up. "You can't keep Russel Thrush trapped, man! I'll stab my way out eventually!" He said, pointing to the green-haired professor while jumping out of the chair he was sitting in. Pulling out his two daggers from the bag on his back and quickly stabbing them into the wall behind them, he activated his semblance and prepared to climb out of the room.

He would have gotten out somehow, seeing as he's Russel Thrush, man.

Suddenly, Russel started hearing footsteps heading towards him as Glynda opened the metal door leading to the room. Walking in was none-other than Beacon's headmaster; Ozpin himself.

"Are you Russel Thrush, man?" Ozpin asked Russel. Walking in quietly, he gestured for the two professors to walk out of the room. Knowing that Ozpin had this whole situation all under control, Glynda and Oobleck both left, leaving Ozpin with one of the most powerful beings in Remnant.

"Maybe?" Russel remarked while he fell into the chair he was just sitting on seconds before, landing in a position that had his feet propped up on the table. "Fuck you. Who wants to know?" He said as he suddenly sat up, threatened by the older man walking towards him.

Raising his right hand to his chest, Ozpin addressed himself to him once more.

"I'm the headmaster of Beacon Academy."

Russel squinted at the headmaster for a few seconds. Didn't the headmaster die back in Beacon?

Maybe it was another guy that died. Someone named Pyrrhus... Niko? Russel couldn't remember. All that he could think about was how much he disliked the older-looking man in front of him.

"Yeah, fuck you." He said while he pointed at Ozpin.

Ozpin shifted his hands behind his back as he looked at his own hunter-in-training who had just insulted him. Twice.

"You've done a lot of bad with your daggers, Mr. Thrush..." Ozpin stated to Russel.

"Tell me about it," Russel remarked while sporting a small grin.

Ozpin clapped and shot his hands up to his chin. "...But I think there's some good you can do for us," Ozpin said as he narrowed his eyes while pointing both of his index fingers towards the green-mohawk teen.

Russel was put off by the older man's statement.

"You think I'm capable of good?" Russel asked Ozpin while pointing to himself. "Just last week some ass-wagon almost died jumping out of a window trying to fight me off his tower!"

He was, of course, referring to Jacques Schnee, who apparently didn't die from his injuries that he sustained from jumping off his own business tower.

Guess the party that almost all Faunus hosted was all for nothing then.

Ozpin glanced at Russel with a knowing look. "I understand that you may believe your daggers can only bring destruction and sadness..." Ozpin said to Russel.

Russel was again put off by Ozpin's statements.

"What?" Russel asked. "Oum no, it was hilarious."

A few tense moments passed before Ozpin spoke up again, unfazed by Russel's aggravating demeanor. "...But it may be in your best interest to cooperate."

Russel scrunched up his face in thought.

"Hmm."

After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled up his index finger and addressed to Ozpin, "I'm listening, but still," before pointing at Ozpin and saying, "Fuck you."

Immediately after Russel insulted him for the third time, Ozpin opened up a folder which contained pictures of some sort of superweapon that was shaped like a rocket, but bigger and a bit more threatening. Russel folded his arms and laid them on the table while Ozpin spread out the pictures across from him.

"These images were taken from a secluded White Fang base," Ozpin stated as Russel looked over the numerous pictures. After thoroughly inspecting the photos, Russel confirmed his suspicions when Ozpin spoke up again. "We have reason to believe they are building themselves a new type of weapon, and that it has got to be one of their most powerful weapons yet." Ozpin looked at Russel before picking up one of the pictures from the table which displayed the weapon itself.

"It's..." Ozpin rose his voice as his eyes perked up at Russel before pointing his finger to a blueprint of the weapon that had been collected along with the pictures with his other hand.

"...Huge." He finished.

Russel could only look on in shock at all the new information that was being given to him to process. Ozpin puts down the picture and shuffles the pile of photos around before revealing another photo that showed a sign that was propped up next to the weapon. "And signs seem to point towards at yet another attack against Vale very soon," Ozpin says to Russel.

Russel looks at the photo and makes out writing on the sign. He could very faintly read out words.

'We're gonna'.

Russel rustled in his seat when he got what they were implying. Whatever that thing was, it was going to do a lot of damage.

But wait. They aren't actually going to send that thing up against them, would they?

Bruised and battered as they were, the Huntsmen and Huntresses of Beacon repelled the whole attack eventually. Though they sustained major casualties that included both combatants and non-combatants, the White Fang suffered just as much.

It was at this thought that Russel spoke up to Ozpin. "Do you honestly think that the White Fang is stupid enough to attack Vale right after we repelled their huge attack just a few weeks ago?" He said while making multiple hand gestures at Ozpin. Now, Russel was no combat specialist, but anyone with common sense didn't attack, get beaten up, and attack again. They either got defeated the first time, or they took enough time to rest in order to be able to attack once more. Seeing how it has only been a few weeks since the fall of Beacon, Russel thought the White Fang wouldn't be that encouraged to attack anything that this point.

Ozpin cleared that line of thought out of Russel's mind when he answered his question. Raising his hands together once again, he breathes in and says to Russel in a calm voice:

"Yeah."

"Oh." Was Russel's only response.

Now that Russel thought about it, this was the White Fang they were dealing with here.

Going back to the topic at hand, Ozpin produced yet another picture of the weapon. "We've located a hatch outside the weapon that allows easy access to the dust crystals powering the weapon, where it can be disarmed." He said as he pointed at the specified hatch before looking straight into Russel's eyes.

"And this is where you come in, Mr. Thrush," Ozpin said as Russel rested his elbows on the table. He nodded at Ozpin's remark as Ozpin spoke up.

Pointing to the hatch before closing his fist and opening his palm, Ozpin says, "The hatch is pretty high up on the weapon, and frankly..." before closing his hand again.

Looking at Russel, Ozpin raises his hand at him and says, "...Reaching that would take a really experienced huntsman team."

And right now, they were a bit short on experienced huntsman teams. Russel just so happened to become a choice for Ozpin back when he proved himself on a certain tower.

Granted, not a very good choice. But what other choices did he have?

After Ozpin addressed everything Russel needed to know, it was his turn to address something to Ozpin.

"So, what's in it for me?" He said as he pointed to himself with his thumb. Thankfully, Ozpin knew the teen would want something in return for his duties and luckily, he planned ahead.

"We will grant you one free dagger climb on anything you wish."

True to his word, Ozpin laid out an official document entailing the details of how Russel could have a single climb on anything, spreading his arms out to his sides in an attempt to emphasize on the word.

Anything that was a structure, of course. Ozpin and the Council of Vale (Or what was left of it) were smart enough to limit Russel to climbing on top of buildings and not other peo-

"Ahem." Russel blurted out with a flustered look.

...Right.

Russel shifted in his seat and pointed an accusing finger at Ozpin, wary about the deal he was making to him. "Are you sure you're prepared to give me that type of power?" He brought his arms out in a show of seriousness, and not long after heard a noise come from behind the door Ozpin appeared in.

Doctor Oobleck had fainted when he heard the news. Glynda had to carry him off to the infirmary.

Seriously, did this Ozpin guy not know of the consequences of this?

Apparently, he did, because he turned around with his hands placed behind his back, and then spoke up in a questioning tone.

"We've heard rumors, Mr. Thrush..."

Ozpin looked towards the ground for a brief moment before glancing back at Russel. His decision to approve the deal all rested on his answer...

"Can you... die?"

Russel almost seemed offended when he asked this.

With a low tone, he answered the headmaster. "You can't kill Russel Thrush, man."

Ozpin breathed a sigh of relief. That was all he needed to hear.

"Then I believe we have a deal."

He wouldn't send out any more people to die on his behalf. Not anymore.

He was done with that.

With this confirmation, Russel raised his hands in a "Fuck yeah!" and pumped them right before signing the document with a grin.

"Let's start the Second Great War!"

 _A few hours later, somewhere at a secret White Fang Weapons Base_...

... _but Ozpin and co. found it so haha..._

Adam Taurus was not having a good day.

Just a few days ago he had failed to take down her ex-lover Blake and her friends in Haven Academy. Damm that traitor Ilia! He should have known she would side with her and put a monkey wrench in his plans to bring down the school. Not that it matters anymore, cause Cinder's gone. And speaking of wrenches...

Adam made a mental note to cut off that boy's tail the next time they met. Maybe his head as well. Both of them. Because if he was petting HIS kitty in her sensitive spots... Oh boy.

Adam would make him suffer. Preferably in the parts that he used to give Blake pleasure.

Besides the fact that he failed in his only job assigned to him by his now-absent 'boss', he also couldn't get over the fact that the goons he sent to kill Blake's family failed. They somehow retreated to the main base, but he immediately killed them after returning himself from the battle at Haven.

He didn't just kill them in an emotional burst of outrage, no. He killed them because they failed.

Yeah. That's totally the real reason. Nothing else.

Now labeling himself as a dictator of this group of White Fang terror-I-I mean, _activists_ , he made sure that he kept his title as the leader and that no-one left the group. Alive, that is.

Just a few hours before, he had to put down one of the more stronger grunts trying to escape from the group; a dog faunus by the name of Yeller, and Oum damm how he yelled when he shot him with Blush. Tired and not in the mood for petty things such as-

 _ ***CRACK***_

 _ ***SHLINCK***_

...this noise which has been plaguing the entire Weapons base he had went out to inspect. God, how it was awful. He had almost felt pity for the other grunts that had inherited the trait of animal ears with their trait of enhanced hearing. This sound was on repeat in his ears the second he arrived at the base, and even after sending teams of grunts to investigate the source of it, they haven't found anything.

But Adam was fairly sure he the sound was getting louder in his ears as he walked towards the base's weapon testing grounds.

He strolled briskly and looked around into one of the base's small office that served as an observation booth and the main control room for their newest weapon.

Dubbed "The Missile" by the faunus weapons team that made the whole thing, it was like a standard rocket, but much bigger than whatever Atlas or the other three Kingdoms could make. It held inside it a collection of very-volatile dust crystals that was used to power and launch the missile into the sky and onto whatever target they gave it. Upon contact with the target, the team predicted that the result would chalk up to massive property damage and a whole lotta dead humans.

And to an extent, Faunus. But they didn't side with them, so it was for a good reason.

Since they had this new weapon up their sleeves and with Adam not taking orders from anyone anymore, he decided that the White Fang would give attacking Vale another shot. He'd send the rocket to target the middle of Vale, and then he'd send all of his forces for one final suicide attack to prove they weren't weak.

But to anyone with a rational mind, "Why"? Especially since they're still weak from their last encounter with the Kingdom's forces, and that said forces have rebuilt themselves to full strength?

Well, the answer was simple. The whole reason was-

 _ ***CRACK***_

 _ ***SHLINCK***_

Adam's eyes narrowed (Not that anyone could see because the action was hidden behind his Grimm mask) at the faint blur on the side of the new weapon.

A faint _green_ blur.

He rushes outside of the booth through its left side-door and onto the deck and grips both his hands onto the support beams, squinting behind his mask at the unknown person upon the weapon of mass destruction.

He immediately notices that the person is a teenager.

"Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!"

Russel notices the Faunus and proceeds to answer him in a straightforward manner.

"Climbing your missile with daggers, dumbass, what do you think?" It was true; the teen was currently scaling the giant weapon with his daggers, undoubtedly already making damage to its hull evidenced by the multiple pierced holes that dotted the side of the Missile the teen was currently on.

What?

Adam had several questions. 'Who is this kid?' 'How did he know about the weapon?' 'Why does he look familiar?' All of these questions and more started to arise in his head, but one stood out:

"Why my missile?" He shouted out to the teen.

Surely he could climb other things.

"Why not your missile?" The green-haired teen responded.

Adam was slowly getting angry with this kid. "You're delaying my plans to bomb Vale!" He said as he brought out his arm in emphasis.

Realizing that the motives of the teen currently hanging off the side of his missile was to stop him, he didn't care that he was revealing his master plan to him.

He would get and execute him later anyway.

Russel was having none of it though. He shouted at the Faunus, "I'll delay your plans all I want! Look at me go!" as he moved his body in the same way of emphasis that Adam did.

"Don't you _**DARE**_ disarm my missile!" He yelled at Russel while pointing an accusing finger at him. His rage for the young man was slowly building up, and if this continued...

"NO!" Russel shouted at Adam. He then shortly followed up with a carefully thought-out, "FUCK YOU!"

In return, Adam replied with another "Fuck YOU!" as he pointed to him.

"AND FUCK YOU RIGHT BACK, YOU FUCKING FAUNUS!" Russel yelled as he rapidly waved his arms in a variety of angles.

Oooh. He hit a sour spot in him that time.

"...Do you have any idea who you're talking to?!" He yelled, pointing a finger at the teen on top of the missile. Retracting his arm and gesturing to himself, he continued. "I am the leader of the White Fang!" Spreading his arms out in emphasis to drive the point home into Russel's tiny human brain, Adam again described himself as something bigger than he truly is.

"I am these Faunus' master!" He shouted yet again.

'Surely a display of compensation for something', Russel thought inside the depths of his mind with a frown on his face. 'He is a bull faunus, right? What's there to compensate for?'

Maybe someone can give insight as to what Adam's talking about.

 _A few moments later, somewhere in Haven Academy's dorms..._

Blake was yet again hit by that deep, _pulsing_ , _**sensational**_ feeling of pure, unadulterated pleasure as the kitty became wet in more ways than one.

She was currently taking a bath. How else would someone get wet twice at the same time? Blushing profusely, she began to clean herself again in the tub, still wondering where the spasms of ecstasy are coming from. A few minutes after she finished up, she re-joined Sun in bed for the night, for she was invited to sleep with him in order to get out of the room Team RWBY were staying at for some "Personal" time.

As always, she took the bottom bunk. Bringing out one of her multiple adult novels, she quickly flipped to the section she bookmarked and started quietly imagining herself in the protagonist's place until Sun spoke up.

"Hey, Blake?" Sun asked from the top bunk.

"Yeah Sun?" She asked as she knew Sun wouldn't normally ask questions unless they were important.

"Adam's a bull, right?" He started as Blake wondered where he was going with this.

"Yeah. Why?" What reason did Sun have asking about Adam? Was it to find out any weaknesses in him? The types of dangers they should look out for in case they fight him again? The reasons why he dressed up so edgy?

"How big was he?"

Blake didn't even flinch at the question of her past lover.

"Smaller than Weiss' chest."

A couple of rooms down, Ruby could be heard gasping and begging for air as Weiss choked on her's. Yang, not understanding why they were both suddenly winded, simply made a pun about how airheaded they both looked a few moments later after they recovered.

Truly, making puns was a breeze for someone as cool as Yang.

...

Wait a minute.

 _A minute later, back at the now-public White Fang Weapons Base_...

... _Oh **god** **DAMMIT-**_

Russel could not believe how much Adam could ramble on about how great and powerful he is. I mean, damm. A full minute? How much did he have to talk about? ...Oh wait, he's finishing up. "...I will have your head on a stick if you don't-"

At this point, Russel had enough. Just as Adam was going to tell Russel what he should do to not have his head on a stick, he rudely interrupted the faunus by yelling.

"Hey, I wrote you a song!" Adam paused his rambling when Russel spoke up.

"What?" He asked the teen upon the missile. Adam starts to wonder whether or not this mohawk-wearing teen is being legit or not. He looks towards Russel, who's now lying on his back on top of his daggers, which, have not fallen from their holes that he had punctured onto the missile, now sports a guitar that he took out from the bag on his back. The reasoning as to how he hasn't fallen yet from his perch (I swear to god this is the _third_ one) is beyond Adam.

Then again, a lot of things are beyond him. Like for instance, Blake's affec-

" _Ahem._ " Russel coughed a second time.

...Right. I'll stop now.

Anyways, before Adam could inquire further about Russel's seemingly random confession, he speaks up again.

"It goes a little something like this!" Russel yelled to Adam as he quickly strummed three times on his guitar. "You're a bitch!" Russel says to Adam with a glare.

Being past the point of both "Confused" and "Pissed off", Adam could only silently stare at Russel without moving an inch. His anger was radiating off of him in waves, and the air was deadly silent. A few moments pass, then seconds, and then Adam lifts a finger in question while going "Uh-". But before he could go on to explain how Russel horridly mistook him for a female dog, Russel continued his song dedicated to him, strumming his guitar in a catchy tune.

"~Oh you're a bitch, a bitch, a bitch, a bitch, a BIIIITCH!~" He sings out before playing a killer harmonica solo on a harmonica that he stuck between his lips a few moments ago. Russel then finishes the performance by flipping his team's logo to Adam.

It truly is amazing how the boys from CRDL can represent their team by lifting a single finger.

Wondering why the teen was referring to him as a female dog faunus (He was clearly a male bull faunus, people!) and thus getting even angrier that the teen couldn't even get animal species right, Adam began to think of threats to force the kid down his missile and into submission, where he could promptly kill him. It worked with the grunts before; it should work with a lowly human such as him.

"Get the fuck off my missile this instant!" He says in an aggravated tone at Russel while gesturing for him to go down with his right hand.

Russel, who has now stowed away his musical instruments back into his backpack and dangling off his daggers, responds to Adam in a straightforward way.

"I can't!" He exclaims.

"Why the hell not?!" Adam asks. He momentarily wonders why this kid can't answer any of his questions. They're simple, really.

"Can't have you starting another Great War, dumb ass!"

'Oh.' Adam realizes. 'Well, in that case...'

"You're kinda starting one right now and it's pissing me off!" Adam answers back as a poor diversion from the topic of the reason he's bombing Vale in the first place.

"Probably doesn't help that I was hired by the Headmaster of Beacon!"

At hearing this, Adam finally loses all control over himself and screams in rage. "You despicable humans!"

Russel immediately notices his slight slip up. He then immediately proceeds to not give a fuck. I mean, they've been at this for about a few minutes now.

"Oh, that got you REAL angry, didn't it?" Russel taunts at Adam, whose only response was to yell in rage some more.

"OUM-DAMMIT!"

At this point, Russel looks onwards at seemingly nothing and says, "Yep! I sure pissed him off now!" as if seemingly talking to someone.

Back to the story, Adam- "That does it!" ...What? "No more stalling!" Wait, Adam, where are you going- "I'm launching the missile!"

After realizing what Adam just said as he ran inside the control booth, Russel could only burrow his eyebrows. "Uh oh."

...

 ** _*_** ** _WHOOSH*_**

"FUCK!" Russel exclaims as he and the missile travel at break-neck speeds. "OH SHIT!"

"FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, _FUCK_ , **_FUCK_** -" He frantically screams while stabbing the missile mid-flight as he moves upwards towards the control panel housing the dust crystals powering it. He stabs the panel with one of his daggers and pulls it from the missile, revealing the crystals. Russel throws away the panel he stabbed and stabs one of the dust crystals that was connected to a bunch of wires with a final "-OH SHIT!"

 _ ***PZZZZ***_

Russel quickly looks away as sparks flow from the control panel. Apparently, he stabbed the only lightning dust crystal powering the entire thing.

 _A few seconds later..._

 ** _*CRASH*_**

The missile was destroyed.

After disarming the missile, it lost its control over its thrusters. Violently crashing back down to the ground, it broke apart in pieces in a fashion similar to a car crash. All the dust crystals had fallen out of the missile prior to its crash, so after a few seconds, small, loud pops illuminated the area around the missile before suddenly disappearing.

Adam observes the wreckage as he gripped the support beams, noticing something from the site that stood out like a sore thumb.

A pair of daggers that were embedded onto one of the missile's panels walls...

...Wait.

There was no green mohawk-haired teenager anywhere near them... That could only mean...

Adam looks on towards the daggers again for a moment before sporting a grin. Although his plan to bomb Vale was thwarted (By a human, no less), he could always whip the White Fang to make more. And now that the only person that was capable of stopping them gone?

"You may have delayed my plans this time, man that refers to Russel Thrush..." Adam says after remembering who the teen was. "...But you won't be around next time I-" Noticing something in the sky above him floating down, he quickly glances a look at it, only to process what he just saw and stop the words he was about to say mid-sentence and replace them with an "-OH FUCK!", along with an angry foot stomp on the platform.

Because right above him, Russel Thrush could be seen drifting down from the sky with a parachute that deployed from his bag. Turns out that his backpack was housing an emergency parachute foil in the case that he ever fell from one of his climbs.

Not that he could ever fall. It's his sembalance, duh.

Slowly continuing to fall, Russel appears in Adam's vision holding the guitar he pulled out a few minutes ago and started strumming it in the same tune that he played for the last two songs he sang for the Bull faunus.

Right after he starts to sing to Adam about him being a female dog.

"~Oh, you're a biiiitch!~" Russel sings while strumming the guitar. "~YOU'RE A BIIIIITCH!~" He screams, his eyes almost popping out of their sockets as he puts everything he has to emphasize what type of animal Adam really is. "~You're a BITCH!~" He finishes as Adam stands there dumbfounded, his hands in front of his chest in a small half-shrug.

But not before strumming a few more chords on the guitar and ending his final song with one final "Bitch!".

"Thanks, White Fang! You've been horrible. Fuck off!" He yells at an unmoving Adam, who is still looking onwards in the same pose.

And with that, Russel lands outside the White Fang Weapons Base and completes his mission.

...But not before retrieving his daggers and running the hell away from the White Fang grunts that try to go after him.

But we all know that Russel Thrush makes it out.

He's Russel Thrush, man.

 _A few days later, after the resignation and arrest of Adam Taurus and the remainder of the White Fang Terrorist Group..._

Jacques Schnee was not having a good day.

First of all, he was in a full body cast. He was laying on a hospital bed with all of his bones broken with the doctors suspending both his left leg and two arms in order for him to recover from his injuries.

Second of all, he almost lost his whole company due to him jumping out of his own office building a few months ago. The media did not have mercy on him; especially when it turned out that he survived the fall (Insert Vol. 3 finale joke here). Some of his competitors tried to take over the SDC and their stocks, but thankfully his daughters, and to an extent, Whitely, were there to make sure that didn't happen.

Weiss still ended up running away though. She even got a personal transport for herself to Oum-knows where without any hassle! He could only hope that his youngest daughter doesn't get impaled with something that he doesn't approve with. Like a spear, for example.

Or a pen-

For a moment, Jacques' train of thought got derailed as he thought he heard a loud " _ **AHEM.**_ " coming from his window. His eyes were closed shut in an attempt to get some rest and he couldn't look out of the room's only window. Not to mention that the suggestion that someone was right outside his hospital room was completely idiotic. So, he dismissed the idea by keeping his eyes shut and scrunching up his face in discomfort.

 _ ***CRACK***_

 _ ***SHLINCK***_

Too bad that he quickly opened his eyes when he clearly heard a sound that was getting louder and louder.

A sound he was all too _familiar_ with.

 _ ***CRACK***_

 _ ***SHLINCK***_

Looking out the window, Jacques craned his head towards it he tried to find the source of that _**dreadful**_ sound until-

 _ ***CRACK***_

 _ ***SHLINCK***_

"How's it going Mr. No Bones?" Russel Thrush asked as he stabbed his daggers below the window pane and hoisted himself up to face Jacques Schnee once more.

"Monty Oum! What the fuck is your problem?!" He asked, eyebrows furrowed in rage as he couldn't believe that he out of all people would visit him at this hour.

"I haven't seen you since last fall!" Russel said while he let go of one of his daggers to reach into his bag to pull out something.

"Nurse... NURSE!" The old man yelled in a futile attempt to call someone that could help him deal with the current situation.

Too bad the nurse that was put in charge of him was a faunus. He swore that Miss Tsune was making him suffer just because of his name.

As Jacques tried to call the nurse again, Russel fished out a piece of paper that turned out to be an official document from the Headmaster of Beacon along with the Council of Vale. He slapped it up against the window, prompting Jacques to turn his head at the sound and look at the now revealed statement of Russel's "pardon".

"Council voted pardon, bitch! You can't do shit! Look at me go!" Russel triumphantly stated as he shook the piece of paper around the glass, taunting the old man in a full body cast.

Said old man could widen his eyes before closing them and letting out a single sound.

" _ ***PAINED SCREAMING***_ "

That sound resonated throughout the entire planet of Remnant, reaching the ears of many women of faunus decent. History books would go on to recall how one man made every single faunus women wet their panties simultaneously. An official day was given to the event, which many people would come to call "The Wettening".

The person responsible for all this?

Russel Thrush, man.

* * *

 _ **A.N. - I know this story is basically a poorly-made parody with unfunny fourth-wall breaks and multiple plot holes,**_ _ **I know I'm unoriginal,**_ _ **I know that I'm breaking canon events to the point where this is an AU, etc.**_

 _ **And I know I should stop doing this shit...**_

 _ **But here's the problem:**_

 _ **I ain't gonna.**_

 _ **Anyways shoutouts to other fanfic authors that are way better than me; I appreciate showing pity for a story as bad and horrible as this and telling me how pathetic my attempts are.**_


End file.
